About

This is the story about how I heard the small voice.

This is my story, not to offend, not for praise, and certainly not to say believing in the bible creates contradicting people. My love for a god who would not stop loving me strikes me everyday; He guided me through the moments when I was His enemy. This is my story about how I found life, not wisdom, not righteousness, not anything but life… little moments when I can just breath in a perfect smile and record an amazing blessing. This is my story…To begin; “If you love me, keep my commands John 14:15” I have done some very awful things in life, my heart is defiantly not void of hatred for a few choice drug dealers, my lips have uttered mean lies. Then there are those other sins that are far more visible, the ones I wish I could say were committed out of ignorance. Still I have a story to tell; when I was a child I loved God, I enjoyed the people who spoke of God, and I willing went to the vacation bible schools. As I became a teenager I was indifferent about religion I still loved God, but dedicating my life to him didn’t happen till I was a junior in high school. I dedicated my life to a God I will willing say, I didn’t know. I lived a life I thought was acceptable to God, being modest and humble, loyal to one, bringing myself and eventually my daughter to church every Sunday. She was baptized as a baby and when they asked the parents and god-parents to profess they would raise her to know God; I proudly professed that I would. I knew that I wanted nothing more than for her to know God and His love, His glory, His promises, His supernatural peace. Still I didn’t know Him. Than the one who professed to be faithful to me and to love me always; even in the hard times; the way we are meant to love God; found comfort in another’s arms. It crushed me, tore me into a hundred thousand pieces that some creature came along and chewed up and spit out. I am the one who gave up; I am the one who filed for divorce, I am the one who said that I would not fight for something that was once my whole life. As a reward for this unpardonable sin I was supposed to sit in the pews in the furthest back of the church, as instructed by fellow believers. Now it came to my attention that God would stand behind a door one day and tell individuals who had done these great things in His name to leave Him, because He never knew them. And this lady was telling me that I had committed the unpardonable sin, and that God Hates Divorce. I decided that I didn’t have to live a life acceptable to God, why should I, I was going to be turned away at the gates and asked to leave. I found life apart from God the same, people in the bars talked about one another the same as the people in the churches. Children who were raised by non-Christians were just as mean as the children raised by Christians. I laughed just as hard with my unbelieving friends as I had laughed with the ones who believed and followed God. I was “happy,” I didn’t lose it and go on a killing spree or indulge in hard drugs, but I found relationships were optional and alcohol allowed me to forget the life I once knew and the pain that wouldn’t go away for a year and a half later. I refused to see the emptiness that had found its way into my life, I tried to fill it by never standing still. Than a Christian was showing me verses in the bible and I earnestly replied that they did not need to waste their time on me, “I am divorced;” I thought that this would stop the bible study, and that every Christian knew that divorce was hated by God. He continued showing me the light; and I brushed it off, knowing that it didn’t pertain to me. Again this same Christian showed me verses from the Bible, and again I proclaimed that I was divorced and there was no need to try to save my soul, because it was lost. I would like to say I became like others who just decided that there is no God, but know I tortured myself and knew that I was living in sin and that there is a God. I would like to say: I also knew that I was lost because I could not be pardoned. A third time this bible believing Christian showed me verses in the bible; and again I proclaimed that I was divorced. This time however he asked why I keep saying that, so I proceeded to explain to him what I knew and the “truth” that had been given to me. A moment passed… I think he was waiting for additional clarity, which I just didn’t have. He then turned to a passage in the bible that I had never seen, nor heard Matthew 19: 9 my reason for ending my marriage was accepted; I am not saying that adultery is the only reason to end a marriage. (Spousal abuse is never okay, and it should NEVER be accepted, not at a divine standard nor at a human level. Hitting another person is the same as murdering them; and I speak not as the victim. You destroy a life when the only way to deal with someone is to put them in their place.) He also showed me the long suffering forgiveness of God and the unequal gift of baptism. This was the first time since I closed the door on my salvation that I had hope in regaining the future I once knew was mine. Over the next three months I look at the bible verse by verse, searching to prove this Christian wrong; forgiveness couldn’t be that easy, God wasn’t big enough to make me white as snow. All that searching did was strengthen my faith, in the bible, in the Christian and more importantly in God. I found the pieces that had been missing for so long, I found I could sit still again, and counting my blessings was no longer a strain. I found the peace that only God could give, I returned to a church and told this same story to the members thinking that when I arrived at the cliff hanger that I was divorced I would be met with the same reaction as my previous church family. I believed in this moment that I would remain in the church despite their thoughts on my position in their congregation. Still God is good all the time and He brought me to a family that loved me in a moment and prayed for me daily, a family that like Jesus pushed my sins as far away from me as the East is to the West. I have been with this family since. Though my feet stumble and I do not walk always as I should, and I have the most impossible time holding my tongue, I choose today who I will follow. I am not the example but a block of miry clay being molded, slowly the vessel will emerge and I hope I will have the courage one day to speak boldly about my God. Now I know, not because I feel it, but by faith, I have been forgiven. And I also can claim the first: Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory, with exceeding joy.” Jude 1: 24 is walking with me; even in those moments I walk apart from Him. This story is not a judgement on you and your life, but is a story about how I found my life. This story is my story, of choice, not to offend you, but to remind me of those moments not so far in the past, when I felt like I was alone and no one understood, yet there He was still working in my life still leading me through my blunt disobedience, still embracing me as a child. What kind of love is this that would give up the whole world for one, for me? My eyes don’t see rainbows and unicorns like they once did, but now I see hope, salvation, faith, in actions across the nation. This story is my story, my choice is my choice. You are given your own stories to tell, you have your own choices to make. I can’t push anything on you nor sway you all I can do is love you the same way another loves me though I was a stranger, though I was the enemy; God loves me. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen Ephesians 3: 20-21.